So how do you have "The Talk" with a potential new sex partner about your sexual health (and your potential partner's?) I'm just curious, and also looking for some pointers.
This came up for me because I met a guy , there was a spark, and it seemed like we were headed for a sexual relationship, or at least a fling. My new rule is no sleeping together until I know if I have a bond with someone, and I was very upfront with him about that, that we weren't going to have sex on our date. I could say that, but then when I thought we'd probably see each other again, I started getting really anxious about how to even start the conversation about STD's and safe sex. It made me wonder how other people do it, whether or not you have an STD. I'm interested to hear you stories about it. What works for you?
I've also been thinking about how, in ten years of dating, only one man I've even been involved with has ever talked about STD's before we slept together, and then it was almost too late anyway. Of course, neither did I until recently, but it's kind of staggering to me that this conversation isn't the norm with people about to get sexually involved. Any thought about why this is? And how to make it easier?
Thanks!
This came up for me because I met a guy , there was a spark, and it seemed like we were headed for a sexual relationship, or at least a fling. My new rule is no sleeping together until I know if I have a bond with someone, and I was very upfront with him about that, that we weren't going to have sex on our date. I could say that, but then when I thought we'd probably see each other again, I started getting really anxious about how to even start the conversation about STD's and safe sex. It made me wonder how other people do it, whether or not you have an STD. I'm interested to hear you stories about it. What works for you?
I've also been thinking about how, in ten years of dating, only one man I've even been involved with has ever talked about STD's before we slept together, and then it was almost too late anyway. Of course, neither did I until recently, but it's kind of staggering to me that this conversation isn't the norm with people about to get sexually involved. Any thought about why this is? And how to make it easier?
Thanks!
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SF Bay Area
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Re: "The Talk"
12/10i've found being fairly direct works best for me. it's a little different with respect to the last few people i've slept with because we've all been health educators to some degree or another. it's a really tough issue because we learn as children that sex is shameful and not to be talked about, yet we have it as adults (often sooner) and need to be in communication with our partners about these things.
I like what you're saying about looking for that bond with your partner before you sleep with them. If you're feeling that bond, then consider throwing out the question of when they were last tested, how they feel about safer sex, etc. etc. etc. I counsel people all the time about using condoms, but this kind of stumps me! I guess all I can stick with his asking questions and being direct.
Best of luck to you!
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Re: "The Talk"
12/10sometimes a way to approach the topic is, before having sex just let them know what your status is. ie "I just got tested for X, last month and I came up positive/negative" Often times that will be a good oppurtunity for your partner to tell you what their status is or when they last tested. that sort of thing, then that would be a good time to discuss condom use etc. -
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Re: "The Talk"
12/20before having sex ... before the attraction gets to that point ...
my whole community knows that i am hsv+ and i try to fit it into conversation fairly early with some anecdote if i am interested. this way he/she can make their choice to further the flirtation. i find this easier to deal with than the last minute "hold on ... i have something to tell you" situation.
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Re: "The Talk"
01/17I do the same thing, I'm VERY open about it, to the point of almost an awareness/advocacy kind of thing. It's actually easier to have it public knowledge. It serves as a filter in a way, and eliminates a lot more of those potentially awkward situations before they ever have a chance to happen.
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Yes, I agree and find it is likely to be more polite to offer my own status first. Similar concept to offering my name when introducing myself, instead of just jumping in with asking the other person's name first.
I love the suggestion from another poster below about asking what flavor condoms they like - gets over the whether to use one or not, straight into humor and relevant useful info :-)
Another very important point here is that whenever we initiate a conversation about this with our potential partners, we're by example inspiring them to learn to talk about it with others also. The larger circle of friends and possible future potential partners who are keeping themselves in the know about who/what they're sleeping with helps to give us a larger buffer zone from potential problems in the future. Yay!
Luyah
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Re: "The Talk"
12/12I'm not at all subtle about it. I tend to have the talk on the first date, along with the talks about birth control/safer sex methods, and what sort of relationship they're looking for vs what I'm looking for.
I've found that having that conversation, starting with safer sex, moving to STIs, and then finishing with relationship type, joking and smiling all the while, makes the next date much easier. And it puts all that info out there. For example, o matter how cute he is, if he's going to give me trouble about using condoms but wants to use his penis, there's no way we're playing. It's good to know that BEFORE it gets hot and heavy.
When I explain that I like to discuss this stuff upfront for everyone's safety and peace of mind, people tend to be pretty cool with it. They think I'm quirky and slutty, but, well, that's true. :) -
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Re: "The Talk"
12/12Good ideas! I think I'd just better get used to being the one brave enough to be direct and honest. -
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Re: "The Talk"
12/12I have that conversation as soon as I get the tiniest inkling that there is going to be romance.
Its not really that awkward...especially these days
I think people are becoming quite accustomed to it
Anyway, I am really direct about it.
"So...what are your thoughts on Safer Sex?" "Have you been tested recently?"
I have noticed that the people that have been tested are very forthcoming about the results...and just having the conversation in general. -
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Re: "The Talk"
12/13Maybe that's why I do it that way- it's usually people who are comfortable talking about it that I want to play with anyway! -
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Re: "The Talk"
12/13I'm also fairly direct and I talk about how I get tested yearly/every 6 months and how I can show the person who I'm dating/in a relationship with my test results. I also talk about what I do and don't do like how I'm not into bareback anal/vaginal sex, swallowing semen, and how if I use toys on someone I'll put condoms on them. -
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Re: "The Talk"
12/14so do some people run around with medical records in their pockets displaying their latest results? :-p
whenever i get my free testing at the student health center (not HIV testing), they just tell me that unless my results are positive for anything, that i won't be contacted. -
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Re: "The Talk"
12/15i hate when people do that! cuz if you get lost in the system, you think you're negative when they may just not have contacted you about a positive...is this tang your talking about?
we always tell people to call regardless and that we may contact them if they're positive but not to take not hearing from us as a negative -
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Re: "The Talk"
12/17tang is lazy like that. if you come in with a fever/sore throat, they just write you a penicillin scrip and test for mono/strep. if you ask for STD testing they do clamidia and ghonorhea unless you get into an argument about other tests. -
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This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
Re: "The Talk"
12/17You guys might have mentioned this but.....
Fever and sore throat might be symptoms of Acute Retroviral Syndrome, the illness people get right before their bodies develop actual antibodies to HIV (ie, HIV test might be negative, even if they are infected). There was a case somewhere where someone received a donor kidney from a man with Acute Retroviral syndrome, but the doctors didn't know it. The person who got the kidney incidentally contracted HIV.
I just wanted to make that PSA. Its an important one. -
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Re: "The Talk"
12/19ya, most people don't know about primary hiv infection...i just learned about it myself a few months ago....i'm pretty sure that, just like blood, organs and what not are, or should be, tested with a pcr test, not just the antibody test since it's accurate within a week or two of infection
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Re: "The Talk"
12/20I agree with Ben. BE STRAIGHT FOWARD. Hell you already told him that you were willing,ask what flavor condoms does he like or when the last time tested.
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Re: "The Talk"
01/11I bring it up at earliest reasonable opportunity. I am a transwoman- anther thing to get out of the way early. Being direct seems to work best, before starting anything, but if there seems to be interest. Usually others are happy to have the ice broken.
